Discipline Is Remembering Who You Said You Wanted To Be

I want to reframe discipline for you. In my opinion, discipline is remembering who you said you wanted to be. Full stop. Last week, I asked somebody what kind of person they wanted to be. We were just on a Zoom call and they said, well, I want to be somebody who creates things, someone who finishes what they start, someone healthy, someone energetic, someone people can count on, and then I asked what they did yesterday, see if it matched up with their persona or who they wanted to be. And they said, well, I scrolled on Twitter for two hours, sort of watching a show on Netflix or to take out, went to bed at 2 a.m. on paraphrasing, but you get the point. There's a long pause and then they said, you know, I should have been more disciplined, but that's not a discipline problem. It's a memory problem. They forgot who they said they wanted to be. For an entire day, the person they described and the person they were living as had nothing to do with each other. And this isn't just their problem, it's everyone's problem, including mine. See, that conversation stayed with me because I recognized this pattern immediately and not in them, but in myself. I had a version of myself that I described. So when people ask me who I wanted to be, I knew exactly what to say, right? I want to be someone who writes every day. I want to be someone who creates an incredible podcast. I want to be someone who's healthy and takes care of their body. I want to be someone who's focused and finishes what they start. But there's been times in my life when I've actually looked at what I've done for the week and the gap between what I've done and who I want to be was massive, right? The person who wanted to write every day checked email first thing every morning, then Twitter, then Slack. And by the time I sat down to write, two, three hours were gone, so was my focus. The person who wanted to be healthy ordered take out four times, skipped the gym three times, stayed up until 1am, 2am watching movies on TikTok, Twitter, YouTube. The person who wanted to be focused had 30 browser tabs open at all times, started five projects, finished none. See, there was this enormous gap between who I said I wanted to be and who I was actually being. And like everyone else, I called this a discipline problem. Just need to be more disciplined, try harder, have more willpower. But that's not what was happening. What was happening was I kept forgetting. Three months ago, I started tracking this. Every time I did something, I asked, is this what the person I said I wanted to be would do right now? And most of the time, the answer was no. Not because I'm lazy, not because I like discipline, but because I simply forgot who I said I was supposed to be. I'd sit down to write and forget I was a writer, so I checked email instead. I'd get tired at dinner and forget I was someone who takes care of their body, so I ordered take out. I'd be in the middle of work and forget I was someone who was focused, so I'd open five tabs. See, the gap wasn't about capability. It was about memory. Dozens of times a day, I forgot. And in that forgetting, I became someone else. And then I realized that if I'm struggling with this, there's a good chance a lot of other people are too, which led me to the question, as anyone actually solved this not through willpower or discipline, but by addressing the actual problem, the forgetting who we are, forgetting our identity. And I started looking and I found someone who'd been solving this exact problem for 2000 years. Marcus Aurelius, he ruled the Roman Empire from 161 to 180, 80 absolute power, unlimited resources, complete authority over the known world. He could do anything, be anyone and no one could stop him. And every night he wrote reminders to himself about who he was supposed to be. He would write, when you wake up in the morning, tell yourself the people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly. Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one. He would write, remember how long you've been putting this off, how many extensions that God gave you and you didn't use them. He would write these lines and they weren't just philosophical musings for his own entertainment. They were private notes. They were reminders he wrote to himself because even as emperor, he kept forgetting who he said he wanted to be. He wanted to be patient. So he reminded himself every morning that he has to be patient even though people would be difficult. He wanted to be just. So he reminded himself to stop arguing about justice and just act justly. And he wanted to be present. So he reminded himself how much time he'd wasted. The most powerful man in the world needed constant reminders not to forget who he was supposed to be. And that's when it clicked for me. This isn't about discipline. It never was. It's about memory. Marcus had unlimited discipline and power. He still needed reminders because the gap between who you say you want to be and who you actually are doesn't close through willpower. It closes when you stop forgetting. So I decided to do what Marcus did. If it worked for him, it worked for me. Create a system of reminders. Except instead of writing them down every night, I'd ask them in the moment before every decision. If you want to write them down every night, that also works too. But you start asking yourself before you make any major decision in your life or in your day or even minor decision. You ask what would the person I said I wanted to be do right now? Not what do I feel like doing? Not what's easiest. Not what would make me happy right now. Just what would that person do? 6am alarm goes off. What would the person I said I wanted to be do? Well, they'd get up because that's what someone who values their morning does. So I get up, not because I have discipline, but I remembered who I wanted to be fast forward to dinner time. I'm tired. What would the person I said I wanted to be do? They'd cook because that's what someone who takes care of their body does. So I cook, not because I have willpower, but because I remembered. It's the middle of a work session. I want to check Twitter, X, whatever. What would the person I said I wanted to be do? Well, they'd keep working because that's what someone who's focused does. So I keep working, not because I'm strong, but because I remembered. Every time I asked the question, it wasn't about forcing myself. It was about aligning myself. The person I said I wanted to be already has an answer to every decision I have to make every single day. I just kept forgetting to ask them. And after three months of asking that question, the same question that Marcus was essentially asking himself every night in Rome, something shifted. Not dramatically. Just gradually, the gap got smaller. The version of me that I described and the version of me I was living as started to overlap more. I said I was a writer. I started writing every day, not because writing got easier, but because I stopped forgetting I was supposed to be a writer. Said I was healthy, started cooking more, moving more, sleeping better, right? Said I was focused, started closing tabs, staying with one task, finishing things. The person I described and the person I was living as slowly became the same person. And this alignment is the most calming, fulfilling feeling you can ever achieve when who you want to be and who you are is aligned. I honestly think that is what most people are searching for their entire life, but it is truly a beautiful feeling. And what surprised me about this was none of this required discipline. It just required remembering. And that's a hard thing to accept because we have been taught our entire lives that discipline is the answer. Work harder, push through, be stronger, but I think that's exactly why most people never close the gap. Everyone just sort of gets this idea of discipline wrong. Remember the person at the beginning who wanted to be someone who creates things but spent two hours scrolling on Twitter? They're not lacking discipline. They're lacking reminders. See, we treat discipline like it's about strength, right? Pushing through, overcoming resistance, forcing yourself. But that's not what discipline is. That's just fighting yourself. Real discipline is much simpler. It's acting like the person you said you wanted to be. So if you said you wanted to be someone who writes and then you write, that's not discipline. That's just consistency between what you said and what you do. If you said you wanted to be someone who's healthy then you make healthy choices. Again, not discipline, it's just alignment. And if you said you wanted to be someone who finishes things and then you finished things, again, not discipline, you're just remembering who you are. So the only reason it feels like discipline is because you keep forgetting who you said you wanted to be. You wake up and you forget your someone who values mornings. So getting up feels like discipline. You sit down to work and you forget you're someone who's focused. So staying focused feels like discipline. You order dinner and forget your someone who takes care of their body. So cooking feels like discipline. But if you remembered, none of it would feel like discipline. It would just feel like being yourself. So the question is, how do you remember? Well, Marcus Aurelius wrote himself reminders every night. I started asking myself questions before every decision. If you want the gap to close in your life, if you want to be fully aligned between who you say you are and how you act, you need to do one of the two. You need to ask yourself question, write something down. But ultimately, whether or not it's written or it's just in your mind, there are two questions that you have to ask yourself. Question one is, who did I say I wanted to be? And question two would be, what would that person do right now? So question one, who did I say I wanted to be? Not who you wish you were. Not who you think you should be. Who did you actually say you wanted to be? Write it down, be specific. Not successful or happy, but what kind of person? Someone who creates, someone who's present, someone who's healthy, someone who finishes things, someone who's reliable, someone who's focused. Write down the actual person you described when someone asks you who you wanted to be. That's your person. That's the version of you that you said mattered. And then question two is, what would that person do right now? This is the filter, right? That all decisions have to pass through. Before every moment where you're about to do something, you have to ask, what would that person do? Not when it feels good, not what's easy, not what you've always done. What would the person you said you wanted to be doing this exact moment? They already have an answer. You just have to remember to ask them. See, most people know who they want to be. They can describe that person clearly, just like the person at the beginning of this podcast could. But they never ask what the person would do. They just keep doing what they've always done. And then they wonder why nothing changes. Question one is actually the easier part. Question two is the hard part. Marcus Aurelius, he had to remind himself every single day. I have to remind myself every single day. You are no different. The gap doesn't close because you finally quote-unquote get disciplined. It closes because you stop forgetting. The person you said you wanted to be is already inside you. They already exist. They already have answers to every decision that you're going to face today. Tomorrow, the week, the year the rest of your life, you don't need to become them. You just need to stop forgetting that you already are them. I remember discipline, true discipline, true alignment. It's not about forcing yourself. It's about remembering who you are. It's about remembering yourself. The person you said you wanted to be. They are already there inside you waiting for you to act like them. So if you want to live the life that you say you want to live, stop forgetting, start remembering.