Your Definition of Success Hasn't Changed

So I was having dinner with a friend last week. Guys about 35 just made partner at his firm and he's sitting across from me saying, you know, Scott, I think I finally figured out what I actually want. And I'm looking at him like, brother, you have been saying that every five years since I've known you. And it got me thinking about this lie. We all tell ourselves this idea that your definition of success changes as you get older, that it evolves, that you mature out of wanting money and status. And you sort of morph into this person who wants freedom and fulfillment. And I don't think that's true. And I think I've been guilty of telling myself the exact same story and the exact same lie. Because when I was 22, someone asked me what success looked like. And I said, corner office, six figures, VP by 30, respect from all the people who matter. And then fast forward at 30, someone asked me the same question. And I said, freedom, control over my time, work, I actually care about the ability to say no, et cetera, et cetera. And I'm sure when I'm 40 and 50, it's going to move more towards the latter. It's not going to move towards more achievement. It's going to move towards more fulfillment. And I told everyone that my definition had evolved, right? I'd matured, I'd grown, I'd outgrown this shallow set of ambitions that I had in my early 20s. But that was a lie. And it wasn't a lie to them. It was really a lie to myself. Here's what actually happened. See, I wanted freedom at 22. I just couldn't say it out loud because everyone else wanted the corner office. And admitting you want something different feels like you're admitting that you can't compete in the world with your friends, with your peers, with the expectations of your parents. So I lied. I told myself I wanted what I was supposed to want. And I chased it for years. And when I finally got close enough to see what it cost, I redefined and recalibrated success to match what I'd wanted all along. So this is not evolution. You are not changing. This is honesty catching up. See, your definition of success, it hasn't changed. You just finally stopped pretending. And look, here's the pattern that everyone follows but nobody really talks about. Your 22, your fresh out of school, everyone around you is chasing the same thing, status, money, the title that proves you made it. And you don't know what you want yet. You haven't lived enough to know. So you default to what everyone else wants. It's very safe. It's measurable. It's very clear. And you work towards it and you make sacrifices for it. And you build your entire life around getting it. And somewhere around your three or five or 10 or 20 for some people, there's this quiet. And you know what? Honestly, the people that feel this earlier than later are blessed. But there's this quiet voice that you hear underneath all the noise, underneath all the pursuit and the achievement and the ambition that says this isn't it. Not this isn't what I thought. Not this isn't enough. Just this isn't it. But you can't admit it. Because admitting it means you've been chasing the wrong thing. It means you've wasted years. It means you don't want what you're supposed to want. So that what happens to most people is you keep going, right? You tell yourself it'll feel different when you actually get there when you finally achieve it. And then you get it. You get the promotion. You get the title. You get the number in your bank account. And the first feeling isn't pride. It's oh God. Now what? And don't get me wrong. It's good to achieve stuff. But you have to make sure that you are achieving stuff that you actually want. And the life you're architecting is a life that you actually want to live. So after you achieve it, now you can finally say it. You say, well, I thought I wanted this, but I actually want something else. And you call it growth and you call it maturity and you say that your priorities have evolved, but they didn't evolve. They were always there. You just couldn't admit them until you'd achieved enough to prove that you weren't avoiding it. Success out of fear, achievement out of fear. And I want to be real with you here. I live this every single bit of it. I spent my 20s telling myself I wanted what everyone else wanted. I worked 70 hour weeks. I chase promotions. I built the resume that looked impressive on paper. And the whole time underneath everything I knew. I knew I wanted to write. I knew I wanted to build. I knew I wanted to be an entrepreneur. I wanted to podcast. I wanted to be creative. I wanted to build something that was mine. I wanted to work on my own terms. I wanted to wake up and not dread the day. And some people don't wake up and dread the day when they work a nine to five and they're pursuing a career goal. But it wasn't me, but I couldn't say that at 22. Are you kidding me? Everyone else wanted McKinsey or Google or Goldman, the names that made parents proud at dinner parties and wanting to be an entrepreneur, wanting to write, wanting to build a podcast, that felt like wanting less. It felt like I was settling before I'd even started like admitting that I couldn't hang with the people who were gunning for these real careers, right? Like the real price. So I chased what I was supposed to chase. And I got close enough to see what it actually cost. And I realized what my life would look like. And it wasn't bad. And honestly, the thing about corporate, it's not horrible. But I saw the meetings that could have been emails. I saw the politics. I saw the performing. I saw the constant performance of being someone that I wasn't for people I didn't even like. And then finally, finally, I had I had the courage and the permission to say it. Actually, I want something different. So you can call it redefining success, redefining your North Star. But it really was the same definition the whole time. I just needed years of my life of proof before I could admit what I really wanted. And that's attacks, right? That's attacks everyone pays. You chase the thing you don't want for long enough to prove you're not just running from the thing you can't have. You need the credibility, you need the achievement in life. You need the proof that when you say I want something else, you're choosing it, not settling for it. And only then you can admit this was never what I wanted. It's like we need this permission slip. We need to earn the right to want what we want. And that's insane when you think about it. But it's how almost everyone operates. So this is the closing idea I want to leave with you. This is the thought that I want you to take away. I want you to sit with this idea, really sit with it. The thing that you think you'll want in eight years, 10 years, 15 years from now, you probably want it now. You just can't admit it because you haven't in your mind earned the permission yet because the permission comes from achievement. It comes from proving you could do the thing everyone else values. It comes from getting close enough to see it's not what you want. So you keep chasing it. You keep pretending. You keep building towards something you know isn't it. And in eight years from now, you'll redefine success. You'll wake up. You'll finally admit what you wanted today. And that's eight years, 10 years, 15 years of your life gone. Unless you stop, unless you ask yourself right now, what do I actually want? Not what should I want. Not what makes sense. Not what everyone else is chasing. Not what my parents would be proud of or not what would impress people at a party. What do I want? And the answer, unfortunately, is probably different from what you're chasing. And that difference is costing you years of your life. These are years you don't get back. So you can keep lying and keep telling yourself priorities will evolve that you'll want something different later that you'll go after something different later that you're building towards a thing that will finally feel right or you can admit it right now. You can skip the years of chasing proof, except that wanting something different doesn't mean you're weak or scared or settling. Just means you want something different. And that's allowed. And that's more than allowed. And that's the whole point. See, your definition of success, a fulfillment of happiness was always there underneath all the noise when you just have quiet, clear thought. You know what it is. It's waiting for you to stop drowning it out. So whatever you want in life, whatever fulfills you, whatever makes you truly happy. It's there. You are just doing things that are distracting you from it. So I want you to stop waiting for permission to want what you want. I want you to stop feeling that you have to earn the right to admit what you want. I want you to stop chasing proof so that one day you can finally be honest with yourself about what you truly want. Just admit it today because in 10 years from now, you'll wish you had.