The Upgrade You Want vs. The Upgrade You Need

I used to work with somebody who always wanted better friends, not new friends like better ones like the ones who actually show up and things are hard of real conversations instead of just small talk and who you can call it 2am without really thinking twice and they've been trying everything right they joined all the groups they went to the events they started conversations with people who seemed interesting and they met dozens of people over the past year but their friendships always stayed surface level they were polite they were pleasant but they were never quite breaking through to the depth that they wanted and I asked I asked them I said what happens when conversations with these people get vulnerable right they said well I usually make a joke I keep it light and I said well what happens the friends try and make plans with you and then the person said well sometimes I cancel if something better comes up or I cancel from just not feeling it and then I ask them well what happens when the friends in your life need you there was a long pause and they said well I mean I'm supportive I just don't always I guess I'm not great at showing up consistently what does this show us well this person wanted friends who showed up and stayed present and went deep when it was their turn to do those things they deflected with jokes and they canceled when something better came up and they kept everything surface level so they wanted the upgrade in friendship quality without paying for the upgrade in themselves because better friends require being a better friend first that's the upgrade cost and most people can't see that until someone points it out see there's a pattern here every upgrade that you want in your life comes with a parallel upgrade required in you so better clients require better work not just good work but exceptional work that brings insights they didn't even ask for in solves problems they didn't even know they had a bigger role you want that new job title you want that promotion that requires and demands a bigger upgraded version of you you have to be better at making decisions with incomplete information you have to be better at handling pressure without falling apart you have to be better at seeing around corners that others can't see yet same goes for income right more income needs new money skills not just earning income but managing it differently thinking about it differently relating to it differently now this is an interesting pattern because it plays out across work across money across friends across relationships you want to upgrade but for a lot of people this pattern is invisible what you can see is what you want you want more money you want the better relationship you want the better friends you want the better job title but you can't see what it will cost see the person wanting better friends can't see from their current friends the depth that is required to be a better friend they just see that their current friends aren't deep enough the person who's wanting better clients can't see from their current clients that premium rates require premium value they haven't delivered yet they just see that their clients are cheap the person wanting a promotion can't see from their current role that leadership requires decision making that they haven't done yet they just see that they're being overlooked so from below the upgrade looks like getting the thing from inside the upgrade you start to realize that it's about becoming the person who can actually get the thing who can hold the thing who deserves the thing and most people only want the first part they want the thing without doing the personal upgrade and this pattern of wanting the thing without doing the work that will make you worthy of the thing has been destroying careers and lives for thousands of years let me give you a famous example 1781 Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart left his position under the archbishop of Salzburg he was 25 and he was tired of being controlled he was tired of composing what he was told to compose tired of all these restrictions so he wanted freedom he wanted better pay he wanted recognition as one of the great composers the ability to work on his own terms so he moved to Vienna and set himself up as a freelance composer this was the upgrade he wanted and this was supposed to change everything now what he didn't account for was what Vienna would demand of him see in Salzburg he just had to compose well the archbishop handled everything else in Vienna he had to be a business man manages finances network with these wealthy patrons show up to social events and charm people play political games promote himself constantly be likeable and strategic and always performing and Mozart hated all of it he was a genius composer he thought genius should speak for itself that the work would be enough and it wasn't and he spent the next 10 years struggling financially taking commissions he didn't want to just to pay rent borrowing money from friends writing begging letters and he died at 35 broke and buried in an unmarked grave not because he wasn't talented enough but because he wanted the upgrade without paying the upgrade cost he wanted freedom and recognition and Vienna could have given him both but Vienna demanded business skills and self promotion that he refused to develop from his position in Salzburg Vienna looked like the answer from inside Vienna it required him becoming someone he wasn't willing to become he could see what he wanted he couldn't see what it would demand of him and he spent his entire career wanting the outcome or refusing to become the person who could sustain it but why couldn't Mozart see it why does everybody miss this it's because of where they're standing right remember what i said it's invisible it's invisible because the requirements of the next level cannot be seen from your current level you can't see them when you're doing good work for average clients you can't see what premium clients need right it could be something like from your position if you're dealing with average clients it looks like a marketing problem but it's not it's a work quality problem but you're judging your work against your current client standards not the standards of the clients you want and the same pattern everywhere the person wanting a promotion can't see that the next role requires this strategic thinking not just better execution the person wanting deeper friendships can't see that depth requires vulnerability that they haven't practiced yet Mozart couldn't see from Salzburg that Vienna required business skills i couldn't see from my current clients that premium clients required more exceptional work see the upgrade cost is hidden until you're paying it which means that most people pursue upgrades are not ready for and then they blame the opportunity when it doesn't work out but this is not an unusual phenomenon there's been points in my life when i haven't been able to see it not until someone has forced me to look so two years ago i'll tell you a personal story i want a better client the ones that i had refined they paid on time reasonable requests good people nothing wrong with them but i wanted clients with bigger budgets more ambitious projects people doing things that actually mattered in the world i did what everyone does when they want an upgrade better website better portfolio better positioning and i spent basically three months rewriting my entire online presence to attract premium clients and nothing changed and then i spent another three months networking reaching out getting introductions having conversations with the exact kind of clients i wanted to work with and they were polite and somewhere even interested but still nobody hired me there was a premium client i'm talking like big big companies right six months in i was frustrated so i'd done everything right better marketing better networking better conversations but i was still working with the same level of client that i'd always had and then someone asked me a question that really changed the way think about this and hopefully this question will useful for you what kind of work are you doing for your current clients is they just they force you this question forces you to take a really good hard look at your reality so i listed out the things that i do when i work with advertisers for the podcasts or for the newsletter some of the clients that i do um consulting for and i listed out most solid execution i keep my deadlines i deliver what they ask for i'm professional i'm reliable and they said well so you're doing good work and then you're wondering why premium clients aren't hiring you and then i started to defend myself like the work was good the clients were happy what else was i supposed to do and the response back was premium clients don't hire people who do good work a hire people who do exceptional work who bring me insights they didn't even ask for who think about their business like it's their own who've shown up as a partner not a vendor are you doing any of that i was doing exactly what was asked and delivered on time nothing more nothing less which is perfectly fine for the clients that i had but not enough for the clients that i wanted see i wanted the upgrading clients without paying for the upgrade in myself i wanted them to pay more for the same work i was already doing that's not how it works see the upgrade i wanted required me to become someone i wasn't yet someone who delivered exceptional work someone who thought strategically someone who acted like a partner i could see the clients i wanted but i couldn't see that i wasn't the person that they'd hire yet not realization hurt because i'd spent six months working on the wrong thing see better marketing better networking it doesn't fix the fact that you're not delivering the work that premium clients actually value so after that conversation i made a decision instead of trying to get better clients i'd start doing the work better clients would expect with the clients that i already had and for the next six months i just changed how i worked not what i charged not who i worked with just how i approached the work and i stopped waiting to be asked and started bringing the insights proactively and when i saw a problem in their business i'd pointed out even if it wasn't in my scope right and when i had an idea that could help them i'd share it even if they weren't paying me to strategize so i stopped thinking like a vendor executing tasks and started thinking like a partner investing in outcomes but would actually move their business forward not just not just me doing what they asked for but what did they actually need and then you start to hold yourself accountable to a higher standard not is as good enough but is this exceptional would this work make someone want to refer me to a premium client and for six months i did this premium level work at non premium rates and it really felt backwards i i was giving more than i was being paid for i was really just investing in becoming someone that i wasn't being compensated to be yet but that's how upgrade costs work you pay them first and then the upgrade shows up now month seven i got an email from someone who i'd never heard of they've been referred by one of my current clients in the message set along the lines of i need someone who actually cares about outcomes not just checking boxes and my current person told me they're the one we got on the call they described the project but it was like three times what i'd been charging i didn't have to renegotiate i they just wanted to know if i could start and month nine another referral same thing someone who valued the work not just the output and within a year my entire client base both advertisers some of my consulting clients had been completely upgraded not because i'd figured out better marketing but because i upgraded myself first and the clients i wanted well they were always there i just wasn't the person that they were going to hire yet and this is how upgrade costs work you become the person who has better friendships before the better friendships show up you become the person who leads before you get the leadership role you become the person who can handle more money before you get more money the cost comes first then the upgrade comes second and most people try to reverse this they want the upgrade to change them right they want the better client and they're going to rise to the occasion upgrades don't change you they reveal whether you've already changed which brings us back to where we started to you to what you want and to some of the choices that you're making right now do right now doesn't matter if we're talking about business relationships friendships whatever you're making a choice between two paths path one we're trying to get the upgrade without paying the cost better marketing better networking better timing better luck you keep trying to get the thing well you're staying the same person this is what most people do and it doesn't work you might get the thing briefly but you won't keep it because you're not the person who can hold it path to you pay the cost first you become the person who has that thing before you have it you do the work build the skills practice the vulnerability hold the standards you upgrade yourself and then let the external upgrade catch up this is what works but almost nobody chooses it because it requires changing now while the payoff comes later whatever you want in life whatever upgrade you want it is probably available the question isn't whether you can get it the question ultimately is whether you're willing to become the person who has it because the upgrade cost always comes first and most people only want to pay it after they get the thing and that is just not how it works